FUCK YOU UNIVERSE, FUCK YOU!

Why do you hate the good people in the world?
I feel like the world caters to the bad and mocks the good.
I want to punch you in the face right now!
I just want things to go right.
I am not going to lose to you, because if that happens, happiness won't exist!
So, I say FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

Sorry for the downer post, but it needed to be said!

A dream is a wish your heart makes....

I am, without a doubt, the happiest I have ever been. It has been a long road to get here, no doubt about that, but I can honestly say that each year I am away from the most negative thing in my life, I feel like a new and amazingly happy person! If someone had told me 6 years ago where I would be today, I probably would have told them that they were off their rocker. I am loving everything about my life. I'm in love with who I am becoming and I am learning more and more about who I am. Don't you just love that about life? The more you grow as a person and the further you throw the things that take a toll on you out of your life, the happier you become. Love...

As happy as I am right now, I am certainly confused with a few things. Mainly things that I wish would have been or things that I wish I could say, but am too afraid. Last night I had one of those dreams...the ones where when you wake up you have to think for a second, just to make sure it wasn't real. This dream made me so confused and wanting something to change, but my fear is stopping that. I can remember every detail, every color and the conversation that I had. A conversation that should have happened in real life, but it just hasn't. When I woke up I thought it was strange, because I don't normally remember my dreams, which is why I'm confused. I asked Wendy and she said what she has always believed dreams to be: "...the vivid ones, and the ones that follow a logical path and you remember well are messages... from other people you're especially connected to or from the "universe" if it's something you need to know."
So, what should I do. I have never questioned a dream like this before, so why now? Why do I think that this is some sort of sign? Maybe it's because it was so vivid, the colors so crisp, the conversation so real, maybe it's because I am hoping for it to be real, when in all actuality, that time has passed...or has it. Something to think about.

Let it snow, Let it snow. Let it snow....

This is how our day started. I was walking Lila to Ballet and we were trudging through slush and walking with our umbrellas because of the freezing rain!

This is about an hour after lunch and the snow still kept falling...

...around 5 pm....

The backyard after it had snowed for about 6 hours straight...

One of my favorite things...snow and ice on tree limbs. So pretty!

This car wasn't stuck, but the news had reported that a bunch of people were having to sleep in their cars, because the roads were so bad...still makes for beautiful pictures:)

There you have it...the freak snow storm of 2010 for Paris. Apparently, this weather is usually a January/February kind of thing. I love that I was here for that, however, it's freezing and I am so ready for the summer. I will be counting down the days! :)

Life is a good job to have...

Why don't I post more pictures on this blog...I should really work on that! I have also found that I am terrible at keeping in contact with the people who mean the most to me! But, alas, the world will not end. One day I will be good at both of those things...one day! :D

My forever friend...

You know those really amazing people in your life, where time that has passed doesn't matter and you can have a cup of coffee and it seems, that really, time just made your relationship that much stronger? I feel like I have a lot of those relationships and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I have found another one of those amazing 'friendships', have you met France? I feel like I was made for this country. I love everything about it, the open minds that people have. The way the women don't really give a shit about the guy who whistles and hollers at her. I know this is crazy, but I really like the Metro system. I love that you can walk wherever you need to go. I love that each different country in Europe has it's own culture and something new and exciting to offer. Yes, Paris will always have my heart, but Europe, I think we will be Forever Friends.

I feel like a scratched record.
The songs that are ruined will never play the same,
but the songs that still play through are truly beautiful!

I am hating on hate right now

I feel (like many others at this time) that I am compelled to say what I'm feeling about the bullying and hate that is going on around the world. I recently saw the FCKH8.com commercial and of course loved the message that it was giving. I immediately became a fan of the page on facebook, because of 2 reasons. 1. I wanted to see more of what this movement was doing and 2. I love anything that has to do with the support of ANYONE who is not being treated correctly! Yes, the whole no bullying rally is mainly for homosexuals, but let's be real here. It happens to a lot of others as well, to me this is the saddest thing. When is it going to stop? The only thing I hate right now is discrimination, of any kind. There always has to be something, doesn't there? First issue was the color of skin, and now people can't love who they want or they become the outcast, get beat up and then decide to end their lives. I see this as a reoccurring pattern. What happens when homosexuals don't take this shit anymore? What happens when this movement wins? Then who will they (whoever they might be) decide is the weaker party to completely bring down, humiliate and say that "something just isn't right with them". Hate is completely destroying PEOPLE! Yes, people, not an animal or your effing goldfish, but GOOD PEOPLE who never did anything to deserve such blatant slander. It's BULLSHIT!!

In a lot (not all, but a lot) of the posts saying that someone deserved bullying, I have found one common denominator, the writer said that he or she was a christian. They were saying that the way of life for a homosexual is a sin and that they deserve what they got, because god wouldn't like it...um, excuse me? Wasn't Jesus the one who said "Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone"?? Last I checked NO ONE is better than another, whether you are a heterosexual, homosexual, blue, green, or purple, GOD LOVES ALL. No one has the right to say that he or she is doing something THEY think is wrong, isn't it up to God to decide our fate? If being a christian is what you truly believe why are you "casting the first stone"? I am going to be honest here, I have never been more ashamed to say that I am a so called "Christian" than as of right now. Yes, I do believe in God. Yes, I believe in Heaven and Hell. No, I don't need you to preach to me about how wrong you think I am, or how "God told you to tell me ______", because I don't care what you think. One of the main reasons things like this get out of control is because of radicals who have the holier than thou attitude. They believe that they are the ones who are going to change minds, ways of thinking and living. However, Christians aren't showing God's Love in anyway what-so-ever, they are demonstrating more hate towards people, because they think they should go to hell! How is this okay?

I think the people of fckh8.com say it best when they ask people on the streets "When did you become straight?" and every person replied the same: "I didn't I was born that way". They then asked if that thought process could be the same for homosexuals, and again every person answered: "Probably, but I've never thought of it that way." Sorry for the rants, but I just needed to speak up about this, because not only do I have an awesome brother who is gay, but I also have AMAZING friends who are gay or lesbian and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world!!

happy heart

I saw something yesterday that stirred my soul...LIVE MUSIC! Oh, how it made me smile! They were great and there were so many of them rockin out! I love it here...more and more each day!

Happy thoughts....

Nail Polish.

Socks that make my toes warm.

Fluffy Pillows!

What do these things have in common? They all make me extremely happy, it's the little things in life! :)

This above all: to thine own self be true.
And it must follow, as the night, the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!
-Shakespeare

no burdens

I sent 2 'secrets' to POSTSECRET today...

I feel like I lost the weight of a 2 ton man!

xxx

Deja Vu...

I was reading Kelle Hampton's blog the other day when I came upon something that she said her husband always says. The quote is as follows: "When you have a moment of deja vu, it means you are exactly where you are supposed to be in life; that, somehow, if you feel like you've lived through a moment in life before, it has to mean the universe is letting you know you should be living that moment." I couldn't agree with this profound statement more! I have had a couple deja vu moments here and I have thought the same thing. Reading it from a complete strangers blog just validates that thought even more.

I am loving being here, but I am feeling like I am at a lull, a dead end, a complete standstill. I don't really have anybody to hang out with and I can't speak the language so going out on the town would probably end in disaster. I have to get over this, I am way too much of a people person to only have conversations with a six and four year old!! I keep telling myself that I don't act like this at home, so why should it be different here? I know that I am supposed to be here and I know that there are many exciting things to do, see and photograph, I just have to get out of my new comfort zone! Honestly, this 'comfort zone' really isn't that comfortable and is completely the opposite of who I am!

Goals for November:
*Meet interesting people
*See new things everyday
*Don't think of a strike as the end of the world, just another exciting adventure!

These things can and will be done. Now, I just have to figure out my next adventure to overcome!

xx

p.s. I'm seeing MGMT in Germany in November!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! How many people can say that they saw one of their favorite bands in another country?!?! This girl will soon be able to!! WAHOO!!

Friend Like You...

So, every night I go on a walk around Garches. It's not anything exciting, but it lets me unwind and de-stress from the day's work. Yes, I do have my own studio, but there is something about walking out your frustrations of the day, I think it's so I can look at a new day with a clean slate. Anyway, last night I was walking and Joshua Radin came on...love him! I started to tear up because I am missing my bestest friend! I love that we have gone in directions that have helped both of us move forward, but sometimes you just need to have your best friend around! love you xx

Facts of the day...

I love taking photographs.

I don't think I'm very photogenic and I hate photos of myself<---- this is something I'm working on.

I am trying to find a photographer to shadow, assist, anything really, because I want to learn more about an art I love.

I have found that French is way harder to learn than I expected, especially with no consistent teacher.

I am in love with Paris.

I hate Metro strikes, they put a damper on exploring.

I don't mind not knowing what will happen in this year to come.

To me, the unknown is the greatest adventure of all time.

This experience is a lot different than the one I had in my mind.

Change isn't a bad thing. Change teaches lessons that will be carried with me for the rest of my life.

I know now that I don't have to settle for anything or anyone.

Being alone teaches you a lot about yourself.

Even when you think you are healed from something, life throws you lemons to make you a stronger person...

The French don't care about things as much as Americans. That is why they age gracefully (in my opinion).

I want to make sure I live everyday to the fullest.

No regrets. You will miss out on something spectacular, if all you think about are the "What If's".
:)

I want...

I saw this man the other day, walking through Paris and he was taking photo's with his Polaroid camera! It was old and loved, with it's scratches and dings all over. I knew why he was taking pictures with his beloved Polaroid, instead of the run of the mill digital. First, film photographs are AMAZING. Second, the thought of going through not just any box photographs, but a box of Polaroids, almost brings you back to the place where that person was when the photo was taken (at least for me).
I want a Polaroid Camera! No, I NEED a Polaroid camera! :)
I mean, let's face it! There isn't anything quite like a Polaroid in all it's glory!

Paris has my heart...there is no doubt :)

This weekend I got to hang out with friends from the States! It made my heart happy!

Also, this has the best Pho I have ever put in my mouth! It made me miss my Oklahoma Pho buddy, Wendy (I will take you there when you visit me, lady)!

I also got to make an all time dream of seeing Moulin Rouge a reality! It was so so so cool! We ate across the street at the awesome cafe!

I'm making all my dreams reality. I wonder what will come next! I know it will be amazing and exciting! I won't settle for anything less!

Here's to you life, bring on the unexpected, because I wouldn't want it any other way!

blisters...

I have been walking everywhere and my feet are taking all the slack! Ouchie!!!!!! Oh well, the things i'm seeing is worth it, for sure!

This view alone is worth it! :)

my life in Paris...so far!

The Eiffel Tower of course!

This is the pathway I take to town everyday!

This is Lila, she's 4!

This is Anouchka, she is 6!

These are the 2 sweet girls I au pair for! Lila and Anouchka! They have such big hearts and are so sweet!




I'm loving every part of this experience! I miss everyone back home, but I still love my life here!

older

Today, I am 24. Today, I feel beautiful. Today, I feel free.
Today, I don't feel like a broken piece of art,
but a profound art piece that no one wants to pass up.
Today, even though I'm more than 5,000 miles away from my
amazing friends and family, I still feel loved. Today, I am happy. Today, I am
content with my life. Today, I was finally me.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow brings even more freedom.
Tomorrow isn't a scary thought anymore, but an exciting adventure.
I'm free. I'm happy.
I'm no longer a prisoner of fear, instead, I knock on it's door and say:
"Fuck You"
I'm loving me and who I'm becoming, more and more each day.
I am:
Strong.
Independent.
Lovely.
Beautiful.
Talented.
Gifted.
Loved.
Artsy.
Free Spirit.
Sensitive.
Laugh-er.
Lover not a Fighter.
Free Bird.
Thinker.
Jesus Lover.
Religion Hater.
Photographer.
Sister.
Friend.
daughter.
I have room to grow, and I am not afraid.

Hope...

I went to St. Michel today to meet some friends. While I was waiting I met this man and he was so kind. He started the conversation by saying his friend was late and asked where I was from. This gives me hope in meeting new people!

Crazy drivers!

AHHH!!! It has been a whirlwind week! So much learning and so much fun all at the same time! I am IN LOVE with the city called Garches, that's were i'm living and it's seriously like a movie. I can't decide if it's more like Diana's house in Anne of Green Gables, or a scene out of The Secret Garden, maybe a little of both. :) Either way, it's beautiful and I have no complaints!
I decided to go into Paris yesterday and in doing so, meant i also had to take the train and metro by myself! I was nervous, but decided that if I didn't overcome that fear it would just take me longer to do it, so I 'ripped it off like a band-aid' and just jumped in! I did it and I did a damn good job too! The only thing i did wrong was wear the wrong shoes...ow ow ow! My feet have never had more blisters and I'm definitely sorry for picking 'cuteness' over 'comfort'! Never again! Let's see...oh I was crossing the street and my living in Paris dream almost came to a stop when I almost got hit by a car! I just laughed it of (maybe because I was nervous), but I will FOR SURE be more careful the next time! :)


Here are some photo's of my adventure! :)

Happy

This is the definition of pure happiness! Nothing to worry about. No stress about a deadline. Not having to look over your shoulder, for once there is no worry and just happiness. I just can't get enough of it and I'm ready for more! It has been a whirlwind week! So much learning and so much fun all at the same time! I am IN LOVE with the city called Garches, that's were i'm living and it's seriously like a movie. I can't decide if it's more like Diana's house in Anne of Green Gables, or a scene out of The Secret Garden, maybe a little of both. :) Either way, it's beautiful and I have no complaints!
I decided to go into Paris yesterday and in doing so, meant i also had to take the train and metro by myself! I was nervous, but decided that if I didn't overcome that fear it would just take me longer to do it, so I 'ripped it off like a band-aid' and just jumped in! I did it and I did a damn good job too! The only thing i did wrong was wear the wrong shoes...ow ow ow! My feet have never had more blisters and I'm definitely sorry for picking 'cuteness' over 'comfort'! Never again! Let's see...oh I was crossing the street and my living in Paris dream almost came to a stop when I almost got hit by a car! I just laughed it of (maybe because I was nervous), but I will FOR SURE be more careful the next time! :)

Expectations.....

Don't read between the lines of this blog...if we still talk, I'm not talking about you:)

I was think today about my biggest fear. I am terrified of clowns, bugs and blood, but, i am horrified of being forgotten. Is this a rational fear, probably not, but it's still there. I'm not exactly sure where this fear came from, but, what i do know is that is has surfaced like an unexpected punch in the face, for the past month. I'm soo excited for this upcoming year and what it has to offer, but, I don't want to be forgotten. I feel that i have some relationships that are fading, some of them are already gone, and to be honest, that makes me sad. I'm one of those sentimental, optimistic people who thinks that all friendships (of any kind) will last forever, when in fact, most aren't real from the very beginning. I see people fading out of my life that are really ones that SHOULD have been people who would stick by you through the thick and thin, the bad, ugly and beautiful things in life. Instead, I now look at any relationships with a sour face and ask myself if it's really worth it to put all my energy and time invested into something that will just dissolve. This is why I'm so afraid of being forgotten, it turns out, the closest people to me, have indeed forgotten and turned away from any relationship there was to save.
This is an irrational fear.
I WILL get over this fear.
I will move on from the sadness of losing people really close to me.
After each of these statement I want to put a "but, what if" next to it, instead of that damn period! Why, because I'm also a fixer and hate it when relationships are broken! This is something that i need to work on and it will happen, i just need to know it takes time.

I love this quote and think that it's fitting for my life right now:
"Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple; To be happy. Maybe it's this expectation though, the wanting to be happy, that just keeps us from ever getting there"
This next year is going to be big for me! I won't know anyone walking into this adventure, so my only friend will be me! I sure can't wait to make the most of everything that comes my way, i just can't put the expectation on a pedestal! Bring it on, life!! I don't know if I'm ready to conquer irrational fears, but i know it will happen! :)

No words...

Friend

There is, or should be, at least one person in your life that is able to see the good, the bad and the ugly, and still love you with all their heart, no matter what. In my life I have been blessed with more than one of these kinds of true friends. Of course I have my sisters, brothers, mother, grandmother, aunts, unlces, cousins, who love me more than i can imagine and I'm so very blessed to have them in my life forever. As for friends, i have been blessed with more than one of these "True Friends" and for that I am also extremely grateful.

I think Ray LaMontagne explains it best in his song "Let It Be Me". Music is one of my great loves and I think, sometimes, life is better understood with lyrics that go deep into the soul. The meaning can always be different for others, but the way you interpret them is all that matters. :)

There may come a time
A time in everyone's life
Where nothing seems to go your way
Where nothing seems to turn out right

There may come a time
You just can't seem to find your way
For every door you walk on to
Seems like they get slammed in your face

That's when you need someone
Someone that you can call
And when all your faith is gone
Feels like you can't go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If it's a friend that you need
Let it be me
Let it be me

Feels like your always comin' on home
Pockets full of nothin' and you got no cash
No matter where you turn, you ain't got no place to stand
Reach out for something and they slap your hand

Now I remember all too well
Just how it feels to be alone
You feel like you'd give anything
For just a little place you can call your own

That's when you need someone
Someone that you can call
And when all your faith is gone
Feels like you can't go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If it's a friend you need
Let it be me
Let it be me

Let it be me
Let it be me
If it's a friend you need
Let it be me
Let it be me
Let it be me

That's all for now :)

Lonely

I am hurt.
I am confused.
I feel alone.
The real reason for not wanting to be on Facebook? I didn't want to see you post on OTHER peoples post, and not MINE.
I feel a void not talking to you. We used to talk 1-3 times a day, what is really going on?
When did everything hit the fan?
You were my person, my best friend, and now, I don't know how to talk to you anymore.
I hope things get better soon.



I miss you...

Disconnect

I want you to know what's going on. Today, I asked My best friend, Wendy, to go onto my facebook and change my password and not tell me what it is until i'm ready to face the drama of the 'real' world again. I honestly wish that i could just disconnect from everything, and when i come back to the real world everything would magically just be fixed. That, however, is not reality. I have a void, an emptiness and a want for more in life. I know that this doesn't fix anything, but to me this is less stressful. Having a twitter, blog, flickr, facebook, myspace, and e-mail account that you have to update is adding stress, not making anything better!! All of these are supposed to help you connect to the people you love not take you further away from fixing things.
February was seriously the most stressful month that i have had to go through in a really long time. I felt like I had to go through it alone. I haven't talked to my mom for 2 months because of a stupid miscommunication and every time she would post on one of my siblings posts i felt even more alone, and i would get mad she was talking to them and not me. Seeing that has hindered any 'fix' to this relationship and that makes me sad and is the main contributor as to why i'm not a facebook junkie anymore. I feel like this is the only way to fix and become closer to my family. I don't want to fight with anyone and i don't want anything petty to become a problem before the BIG issue is fixed. There is no easy button in life, but i'm going to simplify my life as much as possible, fray hairs aren't becoming to a 23 year old. :)
If you want to get a hold of me you can call, text or e-mail. Love y'all!

The Feeling

This song pretty much sums up the feelings I have towards my father...

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it??
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger

And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better
Shut up and sing or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should
What it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

The Fairy Tale

The start of a book, to me, is the start of a beautiful realtionship. You feel what the characters feel. If it's a good book, you go through their emotion, their want, their desire. You are attached. You want only the best for the characters. I always have mixed emotions about the enemy, do i want to be on their side, or do i want to hate them? I love books. They are always there with sound advice and never leave you empty handed. I always feel like i have accomplished something wonderful when finishing and knowing that the characters i fell in love with are happy. The first page of a book is the start of a beautiful relationship. The last page is a sad ending, no matter what the books ending entails.

When growing up, we are given these fairy tales, that one day we wish were at our fingertips, and instead of living in reality, we wish were were living in that Fairy Tale. This is the furthest thing from the truth. Why can't there be a story that as a moral says: "Things don't always turn out, but you will live. Don't worry, chin up, something great will happen, but you will more than likely go through hell before that happens." Instead we are fed: "Your Prince Charming will come sweep you off your feet and you will have no worries, while singing to all your 'forrest friends'" I don't want to live in a story, I want to make my own. I want that feeling of accpmlishment and satisfaction, after reading a book, to be my everyday feeling.

This is a short and VERY random blog. Just thoughts.

Face to Face

I was talking to one of my best friends, Wendy, last night about why i wanted to do a blog. I have had mixed emotions, only because it basically means you can't hide behind your so called mask. I told her that i really didn't care who read this blog, that this was purely for me and me alone. I told her that it's easier for me to write down on paper, then it is to tell someone my true feelings and stories, no matter if it's written poorly, or is the most mundane topic ever. I am, for the most part, a pretty happy person. I have a "Let It Be" attitude and for the most part i just let the everyday issues slide, but i still felt like i needed an outlet. I needed a "safe place" to put my thoughts, fears, excitements, the sad times, the good times. A place where I could put my true feelings and if someone read it, then who cares.

My sisters have been wanting me to start a blog, because i live in Oklahoma and they live in Colorado and for the most part, we don't really get to talk everyday. It was a good way for them to see ME through my eyes, with no questions. So, i sent them a text saying that i am going to be diligent about my blog from now on, both were excited. Then, later that night, i asked my older sister if she had read it. She said yes AND had posted a link on her Facebook and Twitter. I had thought to myself: " Uh oh. Do i want all those strangers reading this thing? Should I even continue this journey?" I had to keep reminding myself that i had done this for me, not the random strangers who will read this, that may become friends. My end result and thought was that I can reach people with my story, not matter how horrific it is. I'm an outgoing person when it comes to someone face to face, but when it's the unknown I am beyond uncomfortable. I am ready though! Bring it on uncomfort (<==not a word, but whatever), I can't wait to see where this journey takes me!

Broken...

My faith is broken. I think that is the hardest thing for a Christian to say, but for me this is a very true and real thing. Maybe it isn't the faith that's broken, i have faith. I still believe in God and I LOVE Him. So, maybe my faith isn't broken, maybe my relationship is broken. Is one a better 'broken' than the other?

I have always been a Christian. As a kid, everything about Sunday was exciting. Get up, get dressed, get in the car, go to Sunday School, most of the time we went out to eat for lunch, got home and it was just a chill day, until church at 6. I loved every minute of it. I loved seeing my friends and getting to know Jesus more. As a kid, the bible is like a storybook and there are pictures and most of the time you have someone feeding you The Word, teaching you about the stories of Jesus. As an adult, that all changes. You have to make time in your day and feed yourself. There is no classroom. No raising your hand if you have a question, it's just you. As an adult you see what happens in the world, the good, the bad and the ugly. You are no longer that innocent 6 year old sitting anxiously to hear about what happened when Jesus fed 5000. You watch the news and here about nations falling from hunger, anger, and malicious behavior. You say your prayer for that said nation and turn your back, going out with your friends for dinner and drinks talking about the horrible state America is in as a country. Hmmm... I just wish there there was a handbook for being the 'right' Christian. I wish that there was an answer key to look at every time i have a question about my faith. I wish Jesus had an iPhone i could call every time i needed an answer about the unknown. I have wondered where this has come from. I have wondered if i was raised differently, without all the trials and tribulations that was my childhood, would i be asking these questions?

I have many so called Christian mentors who have completely turned their backs when i have told my story. I have been told that i just need to get over it and move on. That has made it harder. aren't you supposed to be there to cheer me on through my journey? Aren't you supposed to be the one i can tell all my trouble to? This is where i'm thankful (and sometimes VERY confused) that I am a Christian. With all the Christian relationships that have fallen into the judgemental catergory, i can always turn my thoughts to God. This is only a temporary fix though. I know that part of being a Christian, you have to have a group of people behind you cheering you on, otherwise you can get lost, very quickly. I wish that i wasn't confused. i wish that all the answers for my life were just a hop, skip and jump away. I know that there are also tests as a Christian and when you get through them you are so much stronger, but i don't like the road you have to go on to get there. I want that relationship with God to be the one thing in my life that is stable, but i don't know how to do it. I don't know how to even start.

Until i figure it out, i will patiently wait for the answers. I will still follow Him with an undignified love that can only be described to Him. I will be His servant, no matter the confusion or unanswered questions.

Strong??

I was told, by a friend, that I was strong. I was shocked. I thought to myself: ‘If this is strong, what does a weak person look like?’. So, of course, i asked her why she thought what she did. She said that with everything I’ve been through, in life, I’m still able to hold my head up high with a smile. I got to thinking, am I strong, or just a really good faker? My answer…I have no idea.
Throughout my whole life I have had to be fake. My family has always been really good at faking. Growing up we HAD to fake it to live. Life wasn’t as perfect as everyone percieved. I was told how to act around other people, otherwise, there were massive consequince. I made sure that no one knew the real family that I knew was miserable. Faking had become an art. Faking had become a lifestyle.
I have grown so much in the past 4 years, I don’t even know who that girl was back then. Do I mask my emotions now? No. Do I feel like a stronger person? Absolutely. Do I think I am strong? Hmmm…maybe that is what I need to search for this year. All I do know, is that I like the change that comes with growing up and I like who I am today, as opposed to broken girl, 4 years ago.
My goal this year is to find out how to define who I am! Am I strong, weak, funny, sad, happy, beautiful? When I get asked the question: ‘What about you do you want me to know?’ I want to be able to answer without hesitation! Change is good, and I am ready!

la la la la.....

I think that everyone has that one band that can turn any frown upside down, and make you think of that warm summer with your best friend. I think that music does more than make a bad mood good, it gives life. I, personally, put songs to events in my life. Yes, sometimes it sucks, because I can’t listen to certain songs or even bands because of a “not so great time”. BUT, how much do you love when that certain song comes on, and the butterflies rumble in your tummy, and that warm fuzzy feeling comes about? My all time favorite songs are the ones that make me think of my brothers, sisters, mother, friend and even lovers. My favorite gift I have ever received was a CD with songs that reminded them of me…love,love,love!

I know a lot of people who say they have no idea what the words of a song are??? THAT IS CRAZY! That, to me, makes the song! My favorite band, now, is Kings of Leon. Everyone is different, but, I can be in the worst mood ever and put my iPod in, tuned to them…instant fix! The word ‘favorite’ is used loosely, because I truly LOVE all music, I don’t know what it is, but I am certain that I couldn’t live without it! Okay, random blog over

Karma...

Karma is not something i believe in, but i didn't know what else to call this. I'm still working out all of this. Do i think God hates my dad, no. Do i think that God is disappointed in my dad, ABSOLUTELY...no doubt. Do i hate my sperm donor? Nope, and i have sure tried. It's sad really. I should be the person who hates him with every bone in my body for all the horrible things he has done and told me to keep quiet about. All in all, I honestly think he hates himself so much and it just shines bright as hate towards me whenever I'm within 500 yards of that awful person. I don't hate him, but that doesn't mean i like him...at all. You couldn't pay me any kind of money to be in the same room as him. He has done things that i have forgiven, but will never forget. He is mean and not good company.

When i would wake up in the morning, all i would be thinking was ‘another day in hell.’ I would almost be annoyed that I had made it through another night. I was afraid of what the world would think. I was more afraid of what my family and friends would think. When anyone looked at me i felt exposed, i felt as if they knew the secret and that it was burning through me like the pavement on a hot August day. Even if they did know, how would anyone be able to help. People would talk and i would know that it was about the ‘unfortunate’ events that were happening in my life.

I have always wondered what exactly my father hates about me and why was i the target? What did i do to deserve the brunt of all his anger? It seemed as if every move I made had some sort of painful consequence. I would sit in front of the mirror for hours trying to pinpoint all of the imperfections that would cause such hatred from my biological father. At first, i couldn’t find anything wrong until all i could see was the poison he made me believe. My opinion of myself changed from thinking that nothing was wrong, to looking in the mirror and hating what was looking back at me. I started to believe all the lies and all i eventually saw looking back at me was him.

I don’t know if i will ever know the truth as to why he hurt me. Honestly, I don’t want to know anymore. It has been a long road but I am happier than i have ever been! I know that none of his lies are true and I have moved on with my life! I will always have a Father who will always be there and will never think of me as a failure. I know that without the help of God’s saving grace i would be nothing today! I also have people in my life who have loved me through thick and thin and I would do anything for them and that is ALL that matters in the end! This is for the HATE you have towards me.

This is for the HURT you have caused me.
This is for the SLANDEROUS words you speak.
This is for the HELL you cause.
This is for the UNHAPPINESS that was my life.
This is for the NON-EXISTENT love.
This is for the PAIN of waking to face another day.
This is for the DISGUST i felt when i looked in the mirror.
This is for the MORBID unspoken.
This is for the TRUTH that will bring you down.
This is for the ABUSE i endured.
This is for the BRUISES that had to be hidden so no one would know.
This is for the STING of your hand.
This is KARMA and its a BEAUTIFUL thing

Excitement of the unknown

I have never liked the term "My New Years Resolution". Who follows through with that mumbo-jumbo? I don't want a resolution i want MAJOR change. I want a life change. I want to wake up without worry and be able to say: ' This is going to be a good day'. For the most part that happens already, but i want fulfillment in my life. I don't want to have to settle and follow in others footsteps. I want to lead. No I don't want a resolution, change is my future.

I want to be able to check the things I need to do of my list that has been a 'list' for a while now and just stares at me. I want to be able to tell the stories of the things I want to do and not worry about the things that I CAN NOT change. I also, want to be proud of the things that I can change and have as many 'NO REGRET' statements as possible.

I want my creativity to shine. I want people to appreciate my talent and prove my passion in LIFE. ART. & PHOTOGRAPHY. I want the feeling of accomplishment. I can't wait to see what's to come of this. I'm excited.

I want to forget about the lost relationships and not regret the ones that can't be fixed with a simple 'hello' or 'i'm sorry'. i want to make sure i make an effort to repair the ones that can be fixed with that simple 'hello' or 'i'm sorry', effort is the key to every friendship. I have already found and gained true friendships and can't wait to have more.

The hurts, the hangups, the hate, the pain, the tears won't ever be forgotten or go away. Instead of them being wide open wounds that get salt rubbed in them constantly, they have started to heal and have become easier to live with. These won't ever go away but they will become bearable.

The love of family and friends.

The beauty in the small things.

Laughter makes the heart happier and i plan on a lot of it!

Becoming a closer family circle.

A new year, brings new beginnings. All of this is in my head, plus a million other things. I can’t wait for what’s to come in 2010! Excitement rings in my head, excitement of the unknown. CHANGE.