Karma...

Karma is not something i believe in, but i didn't know what else to call this. I'm still working out all of this. Do i think God hates my dad, no. Do i think that God is disappointed in my dad, ABSOLUTELY...no doubt. Do i hate my sperm donor? Nope, and i have sure tried. It's sad really. I should be the person who hates him with every bone in my body for all the horrible things he has done and told me to keep quiet about. All in all, I honestly think he hates himself so much and it just shines bright as hate towards me whenever I'm within 500 yards of that awful person. I don't hate him, but that doesn't mean i like him...at all. You couldn't pay me any kind of money to be in the same room as him. He has done things that i have forgiven, but will never forget. He is mean and not good company.

When i would wake up in the morning, all i would be thinking was ‘another day in hell.’ I would almost be annoyed that I had made it through another night. I was afraid of what the world would think. I was more afraid of what my family and friends would think. When anyone looked at me i felt exposed, i felt as if they knew the secret and that it was burning through me like the pavement on a hot August day. Even if they did know, how would anyone be able to help. People would talk and i would know that it was about the ‘unfortunate’ events that were happening in my life.

I have always wondered what exactly my father hates about me and why was i the target? What did i do to deserve the brunt of all his anger? It seemed as if every move I made had some sort of painful consequence. I would sit in front of the mirror for hours trying to pinpoint all of the imperfections that would cause such hatred from my biological father. At first, i couldn’t find anything wrong until all i could see was the poison he made me believe. My opinion of myself changed from thinking that nothing was wrong, to looking in the mirror and hating what was looking back at me. I started to believe all the lies and all i eventually saw looking back at me was him.

I don’t know if i will ever know the truth as to why he hurt me. Honestly, I don’t want to know anymore. It has been a long road but I am happier than i have ever been! I know that none of his lies are true and I have moved on with my life! I will always have a Father who will always be there and will never think of me as a failure. I know that without the help of God’s saving grace i would be nothing today! I also have people in my life who have loved me through thick and thin and I would do anything for them and that is ALL that matters in the end! This is for the HATE you have towards me.

This is for the HURT you have caused me.
This is for the SLANDEROUS words you speak.
This is for the HELL you cause.
This is for the UNHAPPINESS that was my life.
This is for the NON-EXISTENT love.
This is for the PAIN of waking to face another day.
This is for the DISGUST i felt when i looked in the mirror.
This is for the MORBID unspoken.
This is for the TRUTH that will bring you down.
This is for the ABUSE i endured.
This is for the BRUISES that had to be hidden so no one would know.
This is for the STING of your hand.
This is KARMA and its a BEAUTIFUL thing