Broken...

My faith is broken. I think that is the hardest thing for a Christian to say, but for me this is a very true and real thing. Maybe it isn't the faith that's broken, i have faith. I still believe in God and I LOVE Him. So, maybe my faith isn't broken, maybe my relationship is broken. Is one a better 'broken' than the other?

I have always been a Christian. As a kid, everything about Sunday was exciting. Get up, get dressed, get in the car, go to Sunday School, most of the time we went out to eat for lunch, got home and it was just a chill day, until church at 6. I loved every minute of it. I loved seeing my friends and getting to know Jesus more. As a kid, the bible is like a storybook and there are pictures and most of the time you have someone feeding you The Word, teaching you about the stories of Jesus. As an adult, that all changes. You have to make time in your day and feed yourself. There is no classroom. No raising your hand if you have a question, it's just you. As an adult you see what happens in the world, the good, the bad and the ugly. You are no longer that innocent 6 year old sitting anxiously to hear about what happened when Jesus fed 5000. You watch the news and here about nations falling from hunger, anger, and malicious behavior. You say your prayer for that said nation and turn your back, going out with your friends for dinner and drinks talking about the horrible state America is in as a country. Hmmm... I just wish there there was a handbook for being the 'right' Christian. I wish that there was an answer key to look at every time i have a question about my faith. I wish Jesus had an iPhone i could call every time i needed an answer about the unknown. I have wondered where this has come from. I have wondered if i was raised differently, without all the trials and tribulations that was my childhood, would i be asking these questions?

I have many so called Christian mentors who have completely turned their backs when i have told my story. I have been told that i just need to get over it and move on. That has made it harder. aren't you supposed to be there to cheer me on through my journey? Aren't you supposed to be the one i can tell all my trouble to? This is where i'm thankful (and sometimes VERY confused) that I am a Christian. With all the Christian relationships that have fallen into the judgemental catergory, i can always turn my thoughts to God. This is only a temporary fix though. I know that part of being a Christian, you have to have a group of people behind you cheering you on, otherwise you can get lost, very quickly. I wish that i wasn't confused. i wish that all the answers for my life were just a hop, skip and jump away. I know that there are also tests as a Christian and when you get through them you are so much stronger, but i don't like the road you have to go on to get there. I want that relationship with God to be the one thing in my life that is stable, but i don't know how to do it. I don't know how to even start.

Until i figure it out, i will patiently wait for the answers. I will still follow Him with an undignified love that can only be described to Him. I will be His servant, no matter the confusion or unanswered questions.