This song pretty much sums up the feelings I have towards my father...
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should
I know you said
Can't you just get over it??
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better
Shut up and sing or my life will be over
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should
What it is you think I should
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
The Fairy Tale
The start of a book, to me, is the start of a beautiful realtionship. You feel what the characters feel. If it's a good book, you go through their emotion, their want, their desire. You are attached. You want only the best for the characters. I always have mixed emotions about the enemy, do i want to be on their side, or do i want to hate them? I love books. They are always there with sound advice and never leave you empty handed. I always feel like i have accomplished something wonderful when finishing and knowing that the characters i fell in love with are happy. The first page of a book is the start of a beautiful relationship. The last page is a sad ending, no matter what the books ending entails.
When growing up, we are given these fairy tales, that one day we wish were at our fingertips, and instead of living in reality, we wish were were living in that Fairy Tale. This is the furthest thing from the truth. Why can't there be a story that as a moral says: "Things don't always turn out, but you will live. Don't worry, chin up, something great will happen, but you will more than likely go through hell before that happens." Instead we are fed: "Your Prince Charming will come sweep you off your feet and you will have no worries, while singing to all your 'forrest friends'" I don't want to live in a story, I want to make my own. I want that feeling of accpmlishment and satisfaction, after reading a book, to be my everyday feeling.
This is a short and VERY random blog. Just thoughts.
When growing up, we are given these fairy tales, that one day we wish were at our fingertips, and instead of living in reality, we wish were were living in that Fairy Tale. This is the furthest thing from the truth. Why can't there be a story that as a moral says: "Things don't always turn out, but you will live. Don't worry, chin up, something great will happen, but you will more than likely go through hell before that happens." Instead we are fed: "Your Prince Charming will come sweep you off your feet and you will have no worries, while singing to all your 'forrest friends'" I don't want to live in a story, I want to make my own. I want that feeling of accpmlishment and satisfaction, after reading a book, to be my everyday feeling.
This is a short and VERY random blog. Just thoughts.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Face to Face
I was talking to one of my best friends, Wendy, last night about why i wanted to do a blog. I have had mixed emotions, only because it basically means you can't hide behind your so called mask. I told her that i really didn't care who read this blog, that this was purely for me and me alone. I told her that it's easier for me to write down on paper, then it is to tell someone my true feelings and stories, no matter if it's written poorly, or is the most mundane topic ever. I am, for the most part, a pretty happy person. I have a "Let It Be" attitude and for the most part i just let the everyday issues slide, but i still felt like i needed an outlet. I needed a "safe place" to put my thoughts, fears, excitements, the sad times, the good times. A place where I could put my true feelings and if someone read it, then who cares.
My sisters have been wanting me to start a blog, because i live in Oklahoma and they live in Colorado and for the most part, we don't really get to talk everyday. It was a good way for them to see ME through my eyes, with no questions. So, i sent them a text saying that i am going to be diligent about my blog from now on, both were excited. Then, later that night, i asked my older sister if she had read it. She said yes AND had posted a link on her Facebook and Twitter. I had thought to myself: " Uh oh. Do i want all those strangers reading this thing? Should I even continue this journey?" I had to keep reminding myself that i had done this for me, not the random strangers who will read this, that may become friends. My end result and thought was that I can reach people with my story, not matter how horrific it is. I'm an outgoing person when it comes to someone face to face, but when it's the unknown I am beyond uncomfortable. I am ready though! Bring it on uncomfort (<==not a word, but whatever), I can't wait to see where this journey takes me!
My sisters have been wanting me to start a blog, because i live in Oklahoma and they live in Colorado and for the most part, we don't really get to talk everyday. It was a good way for them to see ME through my eyes, with no questions. So, i sent them a text saying that i am going to be diligent about my blog from now on, both were excited. Then, later that night, i asked my older sister if she had read it. She said yes AND had posted a link on her Facebook and Twitter. I had thought to myself: " Uh oh. Do i want all those strangers reading this thing? Should I even continue this journey?" I had to keep reminding myself that i had done this for me, not the random strangers who will read this, that may become friends. My end result and thought was that I can reach people with my story, not matter how horrific it is. I'm an outgoing person when it comes to someone face to face, but when it's the unknown I am beyond uncomfortable. I am ready though! Bring it on uncomfort (<==not a word, but whatever), I can't wait to see where this journey takes me!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Broken...
My faith is broken. I think that is the hardest thing for a Christian to say, but for me this is a very true and real thing. Maybe it isn't the faith that's broken, i have faith. I still believe in God and I LOVE Him. So, maybe my faith isn't broken, maybe my relationship is broken. Is one a better 'broken' than the other?
I have always been a Christian. As a kid, everything about Sunday was exciting. Get up, get dressed, get in the car, go to Sunday School, most of the time we went out to eat for lunch, got home and it was just a chill day, until church at 6. I loved every minute of it. I loved seeing my friends and getting to know Jesus more. As a kid, the bible is like a storybook and there are pictures and most of the time you have someone feeding you The Word, teaching you about the stories of Jesus. As an adult, that all changes. You have to make time in your day and feed yourself. There is no classroom. No raising your hand if you have a question, it's just you. As an adult you see what happens in the world, the good, the bad and the ugly. You are no longer that innocent 6 year old sitting anxiously to hear about what happened when Jesus fed 5000. You watch the news and here about nations falling from hunger, anger, and malicious behavior. You say your prayer for that said nation and turn your back, going out with your friends for dinner and drinks talking about the horrible state America is in as a country. Hmmm... I just wish there there was a handbook for being the 'right' Christian. I wish that there was an answer key to look at every time i have a question about my faith. I wish Jesus had an iPhone i could call every time i needed an answer about the unknown. I have wondered where this has come from. I have wondered if i was raised differently, without all the trials and tribulations that was my childhood, would i be asking these questions?
I have many so called Christian mentors who have completely turned their backs when i have told my story. I have been told that i just need to get over it and move on. That has made it harder. aren't you supposed to be there to cheer me on through my journey? Aren't you supposed to be the one i can tell all my trouble to? This is where i'm thankful (and sometimes VERY confused) that I am a Christian. With all the Christian relationships that have fallen into the judgemental catergory, i can always turn my thoughts to God. This is only a temporary fix though. I know that part of being a Christian, you have to have a group of people behind you cheering you on, otherwise you can get lost, very quickly. I wish that i wasn't confused. i wish that all the answers for my life were just a hop, skip and jump away. I know that there are also tests as a Christian and when you get through them you are so much stronger, but i don't like the road you have to go on to get there. I want that relationship with God to be the one thing in my life that is stable, but i don't know how to do it. I don't know how to even start.
Until i figure it out, i will patiently wait for the answers. I will still follow Him with an undignified love that can only be described to Him. I will be His servant, no matter the confusion or unanswered questions.
I have always been a Christian. As a kid, everything about Sunday was exciting. Get up, get dressed, get in the car, go to Sunday School, most of the time we went out to eat for lunch, got home and it was just a chill day, until church at 6. I loved every minute of it. I loved seeing my friends and getting to know Jesus more. As a kid, the bible is like a storybook and there are pictures and most of the time you have someone feeding you The Word, teaching you about the stories of Jesus. As an adult, that all changes. You have to make time in your day and feed yourself. There is no classroom. No raising your hand if you have a question, it's just you. As an adult you see what happens in the world, the good, the bad and the ugly. You are no longer that innocent 6 year old sitting anxiously to hear about what happened when Jesus fed 5000. You watch the news and here about nations falling from hunger, anger, and malicious behavior. You say your prayer for that said nation and turn your back, going out with your friends for dinner and drinks talking about the horrible state America is in as a country. Hmmm... I just wish there there was a handbook for being the 'right' Christian. I wish that there was an answer key to look at every time i have a question about my faith. I wish Jesus had an iPhone i could call every time i needed an answer about the unknown. I have wondered where this has come from. I have wondered if i was raised differently, without all the trials and tribulations that was my childhood, would i be asking these questions?
I have many so called Christian mentors who have completely turned their backs when i have told my story. I have been told that i just need to get over it and move on. That has made it harder. aren't you supposed to be there to cheer me on through my journey? Aren't you supposed to be the one i can tell all my trouble to? This is where i'm thankful (and sometimes VERY confused) that I am a Christian. With all the Christian relationships that have fallen into the judgemental catergory, i can always turn my thoughts to God. This is only a temporary fix though. I know that part of being a Christian, you have to have a group of people behind you cheering you on, otherwise you can get lost, very quickly. I wish that i wasn't confused. i wish that all the answers for my life were just a hop, skip and jump away. I know that there are also tests as a Christian and when you get through them you are so much stronger, but i don't like the road you have to go on to get there. I want that relationship with God to be the one thing in my life that is stable, but i don't know how to do it. I don't know how to even start.
Until i figure it out, i will patiently wait for the answers. I will still follow Him with an undignified love that can only be described to Him. I will be His servant, no matter the confusion or unanswered questions.
Strong??
I was told, by a friend, that I was strong. I was shocked. I thought to myself: ‘If this is strong, what does a weak person look like?’. So, of course, i asked her why she thought what she did. She said that with everything I’ve been through, in life, I’m still able to hold my head up high with a smile. I got to thinking, am I strong, or just a really good faker? My answer…I have no idea.
Throughout my whole life I have had to be fake. My family has always been really good at faking. Growing up we HAD to fake it to live. Life wasn’t as perfect as everyone percieved. I was told how to act around other people, otherwise, there were massive consequince. I made sure that no one knew the real family that I knew was miserable. Faking had become an art. Faking had become a lifestyle.
I have grown so much in the past 4 years, I don’t even know who that girl was back then. Do I mask my emotions now? No. Do I feel like a stronger person? Absolutely. Do I think I am strong? Hmmm…maybe that is what I need to search for this year. All I do know, is that I like the change that comes with growing up and I like who I am today, as opposed to broken girl, 4 years ago.
My goal this year is to find out how to define who I am! Am I strong, weak, funny, sad, happy, beautiful? When I get asked the question: ‘What about you do you want me to know?’ I want to be able to answer without hesitation! Change is good, and I am ready!
Throughout my whole life I have had to be fake. My family has always been really good at faking. Growing up we HAD to fake it to live. Life wasn’t as perfect as everyone percieved. I was told how to act around other people, otherwise, there were massive consequince. I made sure that no one knew the real family that I knew was miserable. Faking had become an art. Faking had become a lifestyle.
I have grown so much in the past 4 years, I don’t even know who that girl was back then. Do I mask my emotions now? No. Do I feel like a stronger person? Absolutely. Do I think I am strong? Hmmm…maybe that is what I need to search for this year. All I do know, is that I like the change that comes with growing up and I like who I am today, as opposed to broken girl, 4 years ago.
My goal this year is to find out how to define who I am! Am I strong, weak, funny, sad, happy, beautiful? When I get asked the question: ‘What about you do you want me to know?’ I want to be able to answer without hesitation! Change is good, and I am ready!
la la la la.....
I think that everyone has that one band that can turn any frown upside down, and make you think of that warm summer with your best friend. I think that music does more than make a bad mood good, it gives life. I, personally, put songs to events in my life. Yes, sometimes it sucks, because I can’t listen to certain songs or even bands because of a “not so great time”. BUT, how much do you love when that certain song comes on, and the butterflies rumble in your tummy, and that warm fuzzy feeling comes about? My all time favorite songs are the ones that make me think of my brothers, sisters, mother, friend and even lovers. My favorite gift I have ever received was a CD with songs that reminded them of me…love,love,love!
I know a lot of people who say they have no idea what the words of a song are??? THAT IS CRAZY! That, to me, makes the song! My favorite band, now, is Kings of Leon. Everyone is different, but, I can be in the worst mood ever and put my iPod in, tuned to them…instant fix! The word ‘favorite’ is used loosely, because I truly LOVE all music, I don’t know what it is, but I am certain that I couldn’t live without it! Okay, random blog overKarma...
Karma is not something i believe in, but i didn't know what else to call this. I'm still working out all of this. Do i think God hates my dad, no. Do i think that God is disappointed in my dad, ABSOLUTELY...no doubt. Do i hate my sperm donor? Nope, and i have sure tried. It's sad really. I should be the person who hates him with every bone in my body for all the horrible things he has done and told me to keep quiet about. All in all, I honestly think he hates himself so much and it just shines bright as hate towards me whenever I'm within 500 yards of that awful person. I don't hate him, but that doesn't mean i like him...at all. You couldn't pay me any kind of money to be in the same room as him. He has done things that i have forgiven, but will never forget. He is mean and not good company.
When i would wake up in the morning, all i would be thinking was ‘another day in hell.’ I would almost be annoyed that I had made it through another night. I was afraid of what the world would think. I was more afraid of what my family and friends would think. When anyone looked at me i felt exposed, i felt as if they knew the secret and that it was burning through me like the pavement on a hot August day. Even if they did know, how would anyone be able to help. People would talk and i would know that it was about the ‘unfortunate’ events that were happening in my life.
I have always wondered what exactly my father hates about me and why was i the target? What did i do to deserve the brunt of all his anger? It seemed as if every move I made had some sort of painful consequence. I would sit in front of the mirror for hours trying to pinpoint all of the imperfections that would cause such hatred from my biological father. At first, i couldn’t find anything wrong until all i could see was the poison he made me believe. My opinion of myself changed from thinking that nothing was wrong, to looking in the mirror and hating what was looking back at me. I started to believe all the lies and all i eventually saw looking back at me was him.
I don’t know if i will ever know the truth as to why he hurt me. Honestly, I don’t want to know anymore. It has been a long road but I am happier than i have ever been! I know that none of his lies are true and I have moved on with my life! I will always have a Father who will always be there and will never think of me as a failure. I know that without the help of God’s saving grace i would be nothing today! I also have people in my life who have loved me through thick and thin and I would do anything for them and that is ALL that matters in the end! This is for the HATE you have towards me.
This is for the HURT you have caused me.
This is for the SLANDEROUS words you speak.
This is for the HELL you cause.
This is for the UNHAPPINESS that was my life.
This is for the NON-EXISTENT love.
This is for the PAIN of waking to face another day.
This is for the DISGUST i felt when i looked in the mirror.
This is for the MORBID unspoken.
This is for the TRUTH that will bring you down.
This is for the ABUSE i endured.
This is for the BRUISES that had to be hidden so no one would know.
This is for the STING of your hand.
This is KARMA and its a BEAUTIFUL thing
When i would wake up in the morning, all i would be thinking was ‘another day in hell.’ I would almost be annoyed that I had made it through another night. I was afraid of what the world would think. I was more afraid of what my family and friends would think. When anyone looked at me i felt exposed, i felt as if they knew the secret and that it was burning through me like the pavement on a hot August day. Even if they did know, how would anyone be able to help. People would talk and i would know that it was about the ‘unfortunate’ events that were happening in my life.
I have always wondered what exactly my father hates about me and why was i the target? What did i do to deserve the brunt of all his anger? It seemed as if every move I made had some sort of painful consequence. I would sit in front of the mirror for hours trying to pinpoint all of the imperfections that would cause such hatred from my biological father. At first, i couldn’t find anything wrong until all i could see was the poison he made me believe. My opinion of myself changed from thinking that nothing was wrong, to looking in the mirror and hating what was looking back at me. I started to believe all the lies and all i eventually saw looking back at me was him.
I don’t know if i will ever know the truth as to why he hurt me. Honestly, I don’t want to know anymore. It has been a long road but I am happier than i have ever been! I know that none of his lies are true and I have moved on with my life! I will always have a Father who will always be there and will never think of me as a failure. I know that without the help of God’s saving grace i would be nothing today! I also have people in my life who have loved me through thick and thin and I would do anything for them and that is ALL that matters in the end! This is for the HATE you have towards me.
This is for the HURT you have caused me.
This is for the SLANDEROUS words you speak.
This is for the HELL you cause.
This is for the UNHAPPINESS that was my life.
This is for the NON-EXISTENT love.
This is for the PAIN of waking to face another day.
This is for the DISGUST i felt when i looked in the mirror.
This is for the MORBID unspoken.
This is for the TRUTH that will bring you down.
This is for the ABUSE i endured.
This is for the BRUISES that had to be hidden so no one would know.
This is for the STING of your hand.
This is KARMA and its a BEAUTIFUL thing
Excitement of the unknown
I have never liked the term "My New Years Resolution". Who follows through with that mumbo-jumbo? I don't want a resolution i want MAJOR change. I want a life change. I want to wake up without worry and be able to say: ' This is going to be a good day'. For the most part that happens already, but i want fulfillment in my life. I don't want to have to settle and follow in others footsteps. I want to lead. No I don't want a resolution, change is my future.
I want to be able to check the things I need to do of my list that has been a 'list' for a while now and just stares at me. I want to be able to tell the stories of the things I want to do and not worry about the things that I CAN NOT change. I also, want to be proud of the things that I can change and have as many 'NO REGRET' statements as possible.
I want my creativity to shine. I want people to appreciate my talent and prove my passion in LIFE. ART. & PHOTOGRAPHY. I want the feeling of accomplishment. I can't wait to see what's to come of this. I'm excited.
I want to forget about the lost relationships and not regret the ones that can't be fixed with a simple 'hello' or 'i'm sorry'. i want to make sure i make an effort to repair the ones that can be fixed with that simple 'hello' or 'i'm sorry', effort is the key to every friendship. I have already found and gained true friendships and can't wait to have more.
The hurts, the hangups, the hate, the pain, the tears won't ever be forgotten or go away. Instead of them being wide open wounds that get salt rubbed in them constantly, they have started to heal and have become easier to live with. These won't ever go away but they will become bearable.
The love of family and friends.
The beauty in the small things.
Laughter makes the heart happier and i plan on a lot of it!
Becoming a closer family circle.
A new year, brings new beginnings. All of this is in my head, plus a million other things. I can’t wait for what’s to come in 2010! Excitement rings in my head, excitement of the unknown. CHANGE.
I want to be able to check the things I need to do of my list that has been a 'list' for a while now and just stares at me. I want to be able to tell the stories of the things I want to do and not worry about the things that I CAN NOT change. I also, want to be proud of the things that I can change and have as many 'NO REGRET' statements as possible.
I want my creativity to shine. I want people to appreciate my talent and prove my passion in LIFE. ART. & PHOTOGRAPHY. I want the feeling of accomplishment. I can't wait to see what's to come of this. I'm excited.
I want to forget about the lost relationships and not regret the ones that can't be fixed with a simple 'hello' or 'i'm sorry'. i want to make sure i make an effort to repair the ones that can be fixed with that simple 'hello' or 'i'm sorry', effort is the key to every friendship. I have already found and gained true friendships and can't wait to have more.
The hurts, the hangups, the hate, the pain, the tears won't ever be forgotten or go away. Instead of them being wide open wounds that get salt rubbed in them constantly, they have started to heal and have become easier to live with. These won't ever go away but they will become bearable.
The love of family and friends.
The beauty in the small things.
Laughter makes the heart happier and i plan on a lot of it!
Becoming a closer family circle.
A new year, brings new beginnings. All of this is in my head, plus a million other things. I can’t wait for what’s to come in 2010! Excitement rings in my head, excitement of the unknown. CHANGE.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
