Lonely

I am hurt.
I am confused.
I feel alone.
The real reason for not wanting to be on Facebook? I didn't want to see you post on OTHER peoples post, and not MINE.
I feel a void not talking to you. We used to talk 1-3 times a day, what is really going on?
When did everything hit the fan?
You were my person, my best friend, and now, I don't know how to talk to you anymore.
I hope things get better soon.



I miss you...

Disconnect

I want you to know what's going on. Today, I asked My best friend, Wendy, to go onto my facebook and change my password and not tell me what it is until i'm ready to face the drama of the 'real' world again. I honestly wish that i could just disconnect from everything, and when i come back to the real world everything would magically just be fixed. That, however, is not reality. I have a void, an emptiness and a want for more in life. I know that this doesn't fix anything, but to me this is less stressful. Having a twitter, blog, flickr, facebook, myspace, and e-mail account that you have to update is adding stress, not making anything better!! All of these are supposed to help you connect to the people you love not take you further away from fixing things.
February was seriously the most stressful month that i have had to go through in a really long time. I felt like I had to go through it alone. I haven't talked to my mom for 2 months because of a stupid miscommunication and every time she would post on one of my siblings posts i felt even more alone, and i would get mad she was talking to them and not me. Seeing that has hindered any 'fix' to this relationship and that makes me sad and is the main contributor as to why i'm not a facebook junkie anymore. I feel like this is the only way to fix and become closer to my family. I don't want to fight with anyone and i don't want anything petty to become a problem before the BIG issue is fixed. There is no easy button in life, but i'm going to simplify my life as much as possible, fray hairs aren't becoming to a 23 year old. :)
If you want to get a hold of me you can call, text or e-mail. Love y'all!

The Feeling

This song pretty much sums up the feelings I have towards my father...

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it??
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger

And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better
Shut up and sing or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should
What it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

The Fairy Tale

The start of a book, to me, is the start of a beautiful realtionship. You feel what the characters feel. If it's a good book, you go through their emotion, their want, their desire. You are attached. You want only the best for the characters. I always have mixed emotions about the enemy, do i want to be on their side, or do i want to hate them? I love books. They are always there with sound advice and never leave you empty handed. I always feel like i have accomplished something wonderful when finishing and knowing that the characters i fell in love with are happy. The first page of a book is the start of a beautiful relationship. The last page is a sad ending, no matter what the books ending entails.

When growing up, we are given these fairy tales, that one day we wish were at our fingertips, and instead of living in reality, we wish were were living in that Fairy Tale. This is the furthest thing from the truth. Why can't there be a story that as a moral says: "Things don't always turn out, but you will live. Don't worry, chin up, something great will happen, but you will more than likely go through hell before that happens." Instead we are fed: "Your Prince Charming will come sweep you off your feet and you will have no worries, while singing to all your 'forrest friends'" I don't want to live in a story, I want to make my own. I want that feeling of accpmlishment and satisfaction, after reading a book, to be my everyday feeling.

This is a short and VERY random blog. Just thoughts.

Face to Face

I was talking to one of my best friends, Wendy, last night about why i wanted to do a blog. I have had mixed emotions, only because it basically means you can't hide behind your so called mask. I told her that i really didn't care who read this blog, that this was purely for me and me alone. I told her that it's easier for me to write down on paper, then it is to tell someone my true feelings and stories, no matter if it's written poorly, or is the most mundane topic ever. I am, for the most part, a pretty happy person. I have a "Let It Be" attitude and for the most part i just let the everyday issues slide, but i still felt like i needed an outlet. I needed a "safe place" to put my thoughts, fears, excitements, the sad times, the good times. A place where I could put my true feelings and if someone read it, then who cares.

My sisters have been wanting me to start a blog, because i live in Oklahoma and they live in Colorado and for the most part, we don't really get to talk everyday. It was a good way for them to see ME through my eyes, with no questions. So, i sent them a text saying that i am going to be diligent about my blog from now on, both were excited. Then, later that night, i asked my older sister if she had read it. She said yes AND had posted a link on her Facebook and Twitter. I had thought to myself: " Uh oh. Do i want all those strangers reading this thing? Should I even continue this journey?" I had to keep reminding myself that i had done this for me, not the random strangers who will read this, that may become friends. My end result and thought was that I can reach people with my story, not matter how horrific it is. I'm an outgoing person when it comes to someone face to face, but when it's the unknown I am beyond uncomfortable. I am ready though! Bring it on uncomfort (<==not a word, but whatever), I can't wait to see where this journey takes me!

Broken...

My faith is broken. I think that is the hardest thing for a Christian to say, but for me this is a very true and real thing. Maybe it isn't the faith that's broken, i have faith. I still believe in God and I LOVE Him. So, maybe my faith isn't broken, maybe my relationship is broken. Is one a better 'broken' than the other?

I have always been a Christian. As a kid, everything about Sunday was exciting. Get up, get dressed, get in the car, go to Sunday School, most of the time we went out to eat for lunch, got home and it was just a chill day, until church at 6. I loved every minute of it. I loved seeing my friends and getting to know Jesus more. As a kid, the bible is like a storybook and there are pictures and most of the time you have someone feeding you The Word, teaching you about the stories of Jesus. As an adult, that all changes. You have to make time in your day and feed yourself. There is no classroom. No raising your hand if you have a question, it's just you. As an adult you see what happens in the world, the good, the bad and the ugly. You are no longer that innocent 6 year old sitting anxiously to hear about what happened when Jesus fed 5000. You watch the news and here about nations falling from hunger, anger, and malicious behavior. You say your prayer for that said nation and turn your back, going out with your friends for dinner and drinks talking about the horrible state America is in as a country. Hmmm... I just wish there there was a handbook for being the 'right' Christian. I wish that there was an answer key to look at every time i have a question about my faith. I wish Jesus had an iPhone i could call every time i needed an answer about the unknown. I have wondered where this has come from. I have wondered if i was raised differently, without all the trials and tribulations that was my childhood, would i be asking these questions?

I have many so called Christian mentors who have completely turned their backs when i have told my story. I have been told that i just need to get over it and move on. That has made it harder. aren't you supposed to be there to cheer me on through my journey? Aren't you supposed to be the one i can tell all my trouble to? This is where i'm thankful (and sometimes VERY confused) that I am a Christian. With all the Christian relationships that have fallen into the judgemental catergory, i can always turn my thoughts to God. This is only a temporary fix though. I know that part of being a Christian, you have to have a group of people behind you cheering you on, otherwise you can get lost, very quickly. I wish that i wasn't confused. i wish that all the answers for my life were just a hop, skip and jump away. I know that there are also tests as a Christian and when you get through them you are so much stronger, but i don't like the road you have to go on to get there. I want that relationship with God to be the one thing in my life that is stable, but i don't know how to do it. I don't know how to even start.

Until i figure it out, i will patiently wait for the answers. I will still follow Him with an undignified love that can only be described to Him. I will be His servant, no matter the confusion or unanswered questions.

Strong??

I was told, by a friend, that I was strong. I was shocked. I thought to myself: ‘If this is strong, what does a weak person look like?’. So, of course, i asked her why she thought what she did. She said that with everything I’ve been through, in life, I’m still able to hold my head up high with a smile. I got to thinking, am I strong, or just a really good faker? My answer…I have no idea.
Throughout my whole life I have had to be fake. My family has always been really good at faking. Growing up we HAD to fake it to live. Life wasn’t as perfect as everyone percieved. I was told how to act around other people, otherwise, there were massive consequince. I made sure that no one knew the real family that I knew was miserable. Faking had become an art. Faking had become a lifestyle.
I have grown so much in the past 4 years, I don’t even know who that girl was back then. Do I mask my emotions now? No. Do I feel like a stronger person? Absolutely. Do I think I am strong? Hmmm…maybe that is what I need to search for this year. All I do know, is that I like the change that comes with growing up and I like who I am today, as opposed to broken girl, 4 years ago.
My goal this year is to find out how to define who I am! Am I strong, weak, funny, sad, happy, beautiful? When I get asked the question: ‘What about you do you want me to know?’ I want to be able to answer without hesitation! Change is good, and I am ready!