How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

Do you think Elizabeth Barrett Browning had as much trouble saying 'I love you' as I do? I mean we all know that she created beautiful words on paper, but was she able to tell the person she wrote 'How do I love thee? Let me count the ways", face to face, that her poem was about him? I imagine that the beauty of words helped her on paper and in person (574 letters to her love proves that). I don't have the natural flow of words, it usually takes me a few times to write and re-write before it's just 'okay'. I do know, however, that anything can happen in life, good and bad, and wouldn't it just be a drag if the people who meant the most to you didn't know how you felt? I think so. I know, I know! You are probably thinking, "What is the point to this, Hunter?" Well, I have decided that I need to write down exactly how I feel, in letters, to the people I love. Words will be jumbled and it will more than likely be super sappy, but who cares! I don't want any of the people I know I love to ever question that, I mean really, what good is life if you only go through it with regret? I don't want to ever feel that way...here goes nothing!

John Keats

Bright Star
Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art--
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors--
No--yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever--or else swoon to death.

My mind runs at 15 million miles a minute these days!

And because of that, my blogs won't make since and more than likely be about 15 million things as well. So, here it goes...
My emotions are all over the place right now.
I don't want to think about the future, it makes me too sad.
I don't want to imagine you not there to cheer me on, because you are one of my BIGGEST cheerleaders.
I am trying to be strong, but I don't know how to.
I don't want to think about missing our 'until 4 am' chats.
I was told that I was brave today and that made me guilty, because I'm just the friend who is trying to be a support from 5,000 miles away.
YOU are the bravest, strongest person I know.
Even though I am scared shitless, I am still happy you are here NOW!
Don't give up...we are fighters. It's not in our nature to give up.
Life is unfair and too damn short. It's what we do in this short life that makes us who we are now and forever. This quote from Mary Oliver rings true, especially in this struggle:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

This quote has definitely got me thinking about everything. I am sad when I think about what will never be, but I am ecstatic to know you now, to fight this terrible unfair battle with you! I love you bestest...to the moon and back!

Also, I have decided that 'feel better' sayings are the stupidest thing ever invented.

A sister is more than a friend.

I am not one to hate, in fact, I love to love. I am that person who always sees the good in others and every time I'm too willing to give a second chance. I rarely get mad and when I do I say sorry with ease and easily forgive. I think it takes too much energy to be mad and hate something. At this moment in time, however, I am LIVID! Death is the most unfair thing, especially when you have to come to realization that one of your closest, dearest friends, basically sister is being taken away <= hardest sentence I have ever written in my life. This has got me thinking a lot about religion and god and here is what I have come to... I feel like everything I believed as a child was a lie and total bullshit. I was always taught that there is a lesson in every situation, but I don't think I ever will understand this 'lesson'. I don't want to hear your bullshit, cop-out answer that 'everything happens for a reason', because, let's be honest, does anyone ever find out what that reason really is? Your god keeps taking away the things I love. If he exists why is there never an intervention of things that are bad? Instead everyone just says 'prayer works' or 'just trust him', did your praying really work or did your situation get resolved because you were thinking about it constantly, so you got off your ass and did something about it. All I want to do is scream, because I know nothing else will make me feel better. I feel so selfish. This is probably the most jumbled post ever, but I had to get it out. AHHHGGGGGG!!!