Expectations.....

Don't read between the lines of this blog...if we still talk, I'm not talking about you:)

I was think today about my biggest fear. I am terrified of clowns, bugs and blood, but, i am horrified of being forgotten. Is this a rational fear, probably not, but it's still there. I'm not exactly sure where this fear came from, but, what i do know is that is has surfaced like an unexpected punch in the face, for the past month. I'm soo excited for this upcoming year and what it has to offer, but, I don't want to be forgotten. I feel that i have some relationships that are fading, some of them are already gone, and to be honest, that makes me sad. I'm one of those sentimental, optimistic people who thinks that all friendships (of any kind) will last forever, when in fact, most aren't real from the very beginning. I see people fading out of my life that are really ones that SHOULD have been people who would stick by you through the thick and thin, the bad, ugly and beautiful things in life. Instead, I now look at any relationships with a sour face and ask myself if it's really worth it to put all my energy and time invested into something that will just dissolve. This is why I'm so afraid of being forgotten, it turns out, the closest people to me, have indeed forgotten and turned away from any relationship there was to save.
This is an irrational fear.
I WILL get over this fear.
I will move on from the sadness of losing people really close to me.
After each of these statement I want to put a "but, what if" next to it, instead of that damn period! Why, because I'm also a fixer and hate it when relationships are broken! This is something that i need to work on and it will happen, i just need to know it takes time.

I love this quote and think that it's fitting for my life right now:
"Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple; To be happy. Maybe it's this expectation though, the wanting to be happy, that just keeps us from ever getting there"
This next year is going to be big for me! I won't know anyone walking into this adventure, so my only friend will be me! I sure can't wait to make the most of everything that comes my way, i just can't put the expectation on a pedestal! Bring it on, life!! I don't know if I'm ready to conquer irrational fears, but i know it will happen! :)

No words...